Holidays: Sacred Time or Stress Trap?
Image thanks to Vicko Mozara
Holidays might not feel like the “holy days” their name originally implied. We look forward to a break, but how often do we actually disconnect? Many of us end up bringing our laptops, checking emails, or answering work calls — even while lounging by the pool.
You might have a good reason for staying connected — like avoiding a backlog when you return — but staying in work mode can cause more stress than it prevents.
Being There, But Not Really There
When you're plugged into work, you're often unplugged from your relationship. I hear it all the time: one partner frustrated that the other is physically present but emotionally absent. It’s one of the key challenges of modern holidays.
There’s a re-integration period when you shift from your work identity back into family or couple life. It can feel jarring. A phased transition can help — but it requires:
• Clear communication
• Defined boundaries
• Realistic expectations
It takes time to adjust to being with your partner or family around the clock. You might even need moments alone — and that’s okay.
Strategies for Emotional Reset
One helpful tool: bring a journal or sketchbook. Use quiet moments to explore your thoughts and feelings. Some of what comes up may turn into meaningful conversations later.
Holidays are a chance to reconnect with your partner — and to allow yourself to be seen. That requires emotional presence. Vulnerability. And, yes, it might bring up tension.
Often, there’s a release of built-up pressure: the logistics, the anticipation, the stress. Don't be surprised if it comes out sideways — in an argument, a squabble, or a big row.
Repair Is More Important Than Perfection
When this happens, your focus should shift to repair.
Brush up on your repair skills in advance. A well-delivered, heartfelt apology
can shift the energy quickly. Even a messy one is better than none — you can always return to it later.
A few key tips:
• Take responsibility for your stress and your part in the conflict
• Share how you wish you had responded instead
• Avoid defensiveness — it escalates things fast
Practice listening and stay curious
It’s often the defensive reaction, not the issue itself, that causes the biggest rift.
Make the Holiday Work for Everyone
It can be deeply grounding to think about your partner’s or family’s needs as much
as your own. What kind of holiday experience does everyone want? How can you
make space for it?
We included a powerful communication tool — the Daily Temperature Reading (DTR) — in our self-help book for couples, You, Me and the Space Between Us.
It’s simple, light-hearted, and works well on holiday — even with kids. Here’s a summary of it for you to use:
Daily Temperature Reading
1. Appreciations
Something you each appreciate that the other person did. Being appreciative and showing gratitude enhances life and wellbeing. If you tend to have a negative bias, hold grudges, or feel unacknowledged, this can help to shift that. It might be appreciations about your partner and ones about yourself too.
I appreciate how you…
I really liked it when you…
Thank you for…
2. New Information
Big or small, something you haven’t shared with your partner. Being fluid and spontaneous in your communication helps to keep the channels open between you.
I want to tell you about…
Something new that happened is…
There was a change in…
3. Puzzles
What are you curious about, what’s on your mind, what issues are you struggling with. Being curious about your partner is essential. This is not a cloak for a complaint, it’s a place for genuine questions.
How did you…
I’m curious about…
I wonder why…
4. Raising a Concern
Objectively describe, without judgement or blame, a behaviour or incident you didn’t like. Be specific as to when and where. Name the feelings that arose in you.
Then tell the story you told yourself about the situation.
Finally, say what you would prefer instead next time.
Offer this as a gift, revealing something about yourself, rather than as criticism or in anger.
When you….I felt….The story I told myself was….I would prefer it if you…
5. Wishes, Hopes, or Dreams
Share any aspirations, anticipations, longings, desires, ideas or day dreams. It can be for yourself, your partner, for the relationship or a friend or relative, or anybody who is on your mind. Think big and out of the box, you’re putting something out there that your partner is also hearing, you are seeding an idea. Wishes sometimes come true!
I hope that…
I would love to…
My dream is….
Rekindling Intimacy and Connection
Holidays can be a great time to reignite passion and intimacy — but emotional connection usually needs to come first.
If you haven’t been intimate in a while, it may not magically change just because you're away from home. Be honest about your hopes, and stay open to a slow build-up.
A few ways to cultivate connection:
• Be playful
• Laugh together
• Make eye contact
Show genuine interest
Remember, there's nothing more attractive than someone who truly sees you.
When the Magic Doesn’t Show Up
And sometimes, holidays are just... ordinary. You might need to go shopping. Pre-
pare food. Sort out health issues. Complete paperwork.
We often look to holidays as a great escape, but we never really escape
ourselves. That’s why they can carry so much potential — and so much disappoint-
ment.
But perhaps the sacred isn’t in the escape, but in the everyday moments we choose to honour.
A Practice to Take Home
Try starting a daily habit of gratitude and appreciation for your partner. Even one moment a day where you express love, thanks, or recognition can create a shift.
Holidays offer a chance to not just get away — but to come back to each other.